So you two are going out of town on a romantic getaway weekend?
We'll rent the car tonight, so we can avoid all the traffic.
I know a good shortcut.
You don't know where we're going.
Doesn't matter. I know a shortcut.
Even we don't know where we're going yet, it's a spur of the moment thing.
How fun.
When was the last time we did something like that?
It's last weekend, we made plans to do a dinner and a movie,
and spur of the moment, we decided not to go.
That was fun to not do that.
We wanna do this kind of stuff while we're still young
and not overwhelmed with work and kids.
Yeah, it sounds great.
How come you guys don't have kids?
You don't ask people things like that.
- Why not? - Because maybe Jeff's shooting blanks.
Adam's sorry.
It's nothing like that, really.
When we got married, we didn't want to be tied down.
We wanted to travel. See Europe.
- Wonderful. - How long have you been there?
Never went.
We went to EPCOT Center though, it's pretty much the same thing.
Anyway, a couple years ago, we tried for about six months
and nothing happened, so...
Yes, too much pressure. Put it aside,
decided to get busy with careers.
- That's about it. - When the time is right.
- Hey, Russell. - Hey, Archie.
Betty, Veronica, Moose.
- How's it going? - It's going good, Meatwad.
That's funny, Meatwad?
All right.
You want to join us, Russell?
At the table on your creepy cult of monogamy.
No, thanks. I'm just picking up a coffee to go.
You just make jokes about relationships 'cause you wish you could have one.
Yeah, you're just jealous.
You know what? I'm a little bit jealous, you're right.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go do whatever I feel like doing all the time.
God. It's sad the way he tries to make his life sound good.
Really.
Yes, ma'am?
Constance.
Constance Williams.
I lived in the building you grew up in.
Oh, my God! Of course! Hi.
You used to take care of my cat.
Oh, that's right. What was her name?
I want to say... Pickles?
- Snuffles. - Snuffles, yes, Snuffles.
Well, it's great to see you, Constance.
Or should I call Mrs. Robinson?
So you remember that too?
Who could forget the best 18th birthday present ever?
Yes, I made you show me your driver's license,
because I thought you were 14.
Well, mustache hadn't fully come in yet.
It will.
What an afternoon that was... You were so cute.
Well, who isn't cute with feather hair and a skinny piano tie? Come on.
You were so nervous.
Well, Snuffles was in the room, staring at me.
It was over so fast.
Staring and judging.
And then, she jumped on me right in the middle of it.
I don't think it lasted long enough to even have a middle.
All right, well, you made your point.
Anyway, it was a long time ago.
Yes, it was. Every time I think back on it, it makes me chuckle.
Anyway,
if you want, you can put your items with mine.
I get the senior discount.
That's sweet.
Do you think we'll have kids when we're married as long as Jeff and Audrey?
We don't even have a wedding date, no need to worry about that now.
They probably thought that. Let's learn from them
and decide some of our big life issues, right now.
I was thinking we'd have two kids.
Same here.
We can move out of the city and get a house in like 7 to 10 years.
Somewhere really peaceful, but--
But close enough to Manhattan so we can make the quick drive in.
Exactly.
And if I'm ever on life support, pull the plug.
Oh, my God. Pull my plug too.
This is so great.
You know, I hate it when couples say they're soul mates.
I know, me too. It's so lame and fake.
- But we're soul mates. - Totally.
All right.
Don't want any... glare on the old flat screen.
I wanted to see this movie for months and tonight...
is the perfect night.
Are we terrible people for not having kids yet?
No, we're not terrible people.
I mean, seriously, just about everybody we know has kids.
Well, that's why we stopped hanging out with them.
It was all...
"Suzie got a new tooth" or "Little Jimmy made a poo-poo."
Really interesting.
You know, I think it's interesting if it's your kid.
The same way your fantasy football stories are only interesting to you.
People like it when I talk
- about my fantasy football... - No, they don't.
Honey, your stories stink like...
Little Jimmy's poo-poo.
We do want kids, right?
You know, I'd love a son.
Or a son and a daughter.
Look, since we never had success before,
maybe as a first step we should both go get checked out.
Checked out. Good.
That way we will know if one of us has a problem in that area.
I mean, it could be your swimmers.
Could be your pool.
Whatever it is, we'll find out, and then we can take steps to fix it.
You mean, take steps to fix the pool.
Or the swimmers.
You call your pool guy.
Call your lifeguard.
Look, whatever it is, we'll deal with it together.
We will, now let's watch the movie.
Pool.
Yes. One big dog and a little dog, that's what I want too.
This is so great.
- Our brains are totally in sync. - I know.
Is yours thinking about your boobs too?
Sorry.
Okay, all I need is to see your driver's license.
- I want to put mine on there too. - You don't have to.
I'm driving, I'm the man.
Of course, you're the man. I was just thinking
I should be able to drive in case you have to get out of the car
and kill bears...
It's a good point.
You'll be doing a lot of driving when we have our house in the suburbs...
- With our two kids... - And our two dogs.
It's so great that we agree on our entire life.
I know. I'll go off to work,
and you'll drive the kids to school in the minivan, maybe do a little yoga,
a little shopping, you come home walk the dogs.
I don't know if I'll have time for all that, I'll be working.
I know, honey. Raising a family is a full-time job.
So is running your own graphic design firm,
which is what I'll be doing.
- Who's watching the kids? - We'll get help.
No, I don't want any stranger raising our kids.
She's not a stranger. She's a delightful English lady
who at times would be breaking into song.
And besides, we'll need two salaries to get the house we want.
No, we don't want a mortgage so big that we'll both have to work.
Then, you stay at home with the kids.
I'm not staying home with the kids, you know how crazy work is right now.
You know, maybe we shouldn't go on this damn romantic weekend.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Okay, you're all set.
And here are your keys.
- We don't need the car. - No, you don't need the car.
I'm gonna drive around while I'm still young
and strong enough to kill a bear.
She's 60?
Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Well, she was 39 when we got together.
And she was 39 and 10 seconds when we finished.
- It's pretty weak. - Come on, I was young.
Plus, her cat Snuffles was staring at me the whole time, freaked me out.
I once dated a girl whose dog would watch us and bark.
Like he owned that position.
Yeah, you don't expect that from man's best friend.
It just bugs me that there's some woman
floating around out there who's saying I'm bad in bed.
You know? Who knows who she talks to?
Pharmacists.
Meals on Wheels guys.
Well, she was hot.
And she is still.
Looks good-ish.
Oh, God.
You're...
You're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do?
Yes, I am.
But I'm gonna do it better than you think I'm gonna do,
I gotta set the records straight on this one.
I'm torn between "Keep me posted" and "Keep it to yourself."
I need the change for the meter.
Hey, what's up, Meatwad?
That one's mine now.
If you guys want, you can take your food to go,
and eat in my car while we drive around.
Yeah, I really wanna eat my waffles off my lap in a Ford Focus.
No, I upgraded, man, I got a Mustang.
Oh, you should've said something. No.
I thought you were going out of town this weekend.
Yeah, well, we canceled 'cause we got a fight.
About what?
You know, the kids, the house, money.
You have none of those things.
Yet.
Anyway, she wanted to turn the car in,
but I kept it, just to show her.
So I win.
Crap! I'm getting a ticket!
Look at this guy.
Relationships sound terrible.
You know what? I still need the thrill of the chase.
It's not much of a chase when both her hips are in titanium.
And once we have the sample, we'll check motility,
which is how well they swim,
morphology, we will look for any abnormalities
and we'll calculate the total
which is determined by multiplying concentration by volume.
Growing up I played a lot of team sports and there always were...
complicated side-effects, thus...
That shouldn't be a problem.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Didn't think it would be.
Okay, great, so... How much you'll need?
Excuse me?
He's just a little nervous.
Honey, you just do your thing once and then, they'll take what they need.
Okay, so could we have your office for about 10 minutes, Doc?
Actually, we have a private room in which you can put us the sample.
By myself.
The moment you've been practicing for all these years.
She's just kidding, I don't...
- It's fine. - Okay, I do.
In the room you will find an assortment of visual aids.
Sex magazines?
Nice.
Where are they stashed?
They're right there in plain view.
Very nice.
I married him.
Interview with Brett Favre.
It was such a nice surprise to get a dinner invitation from you, Russell.
I figured I owe you for all the butterscotch candies you gave me.
It's a good chance for us to catch up.
What a nice idea.
So, how is good old Snuffles?
She passed on.
Old age. But you know, she did have a litter.
Wait, was the father Mr. Belasco's Siamese?
I knew something was going on with those two.
For the entrée, we have a choice of soup or salad.
And what are the soups?
Split pea and lobster bisk.
Both delicious choice.
You know, I also enjoy chowder,
it walks that fine line between soup and stew.
What don't we cut the crap?
We both know where this is headed.
Yes, we do.
Check, please.
We haven't ordered yet.
Even better.
Come on, Jeff.
You don't have to read all the magazines.
Dammit!
You made me miss.
- What? - You made me miss.
You knocked, just as I was teeing off and I shaked it.
Are you nude?
If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right.
And why did you knock?
I'm sorry, but you were taking forever.
I was romancing myself.
Why? You know how easy you are.
With you maybe, with myself I like a little foreplay,
now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a quick nap,
and then play the back nine.
How's the romantic weekend with your car going?
It's going great.
And it's good I kept it.
Because I realized that our relationship is like the car.
We're assuming the ride will be smooth,
but then we come out of the diner and our relationship is being towed!
- The car got towed? - Yes!
Yes, it did.
And you and I arguing
over houses and kids?
I mean, it's stupid.
It's like me arguing with the tow truck guy.
If it's a loading zone, then it's a loading zone.
Everything was fine until we started arguing about the future.
Yeah, this stupid, stupid future!
We can't decide everything right now, it's like trying to predict the weather.
They actually do that.
You know what I mean. The important thing is
that wherever we go, we're in this together,
even if it is places that we don't expect.
Or even places that scare us.
Like an impound lot under the West Side Highway.
I mean, why argue about stuff in the future
when we have plenty of stuff to argue about in the present?
Yes, we do.
Like the stupidity of you keeping the car.
Or the stupidity of you leaving your shoes everywhere
so I trip over them.
Or the stupidity of you not looking down when you walk.
Or the stupidity of your pants being on right now.
My pants? What about your pants?
My God! They are stupid!
- Bedroom? - How about rental car?
Don't hold back, I paid for insurance.
I'll be ready in a minute.
I'm just taking my blood pressure pills.
You're a star.
You're a big bright shining star.
Show me what you've learned in the last 20 years.
Now, the pupil...
has become the teacher.
Son of a bitch.
- Hey. - Hey.
The doctor's called.
And?
And... I checked out fine. Everything's working.
Good.
So...
It's my swimmers.
Well, they're just a little slow.
Come on!
Jeff, it is nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about? We're talking about my junk here.
I know, but it's very common and easily treatable,
the doctor gave me this list of really simple things you can do
to just speed them up.
Wear loose underwear.
Sometimes I wear no underwear.
I know. The guys you play basketball with
have complained to me.
Let them complain. Nobody crowds me under the boards.
No hot tubs? What a jip.
Just go to a bar like a regular softball team.
What's this?
It's an herbal pattern, you mix it with water and drink 2 a day.
Scotch has water in it.
All right, what are we saying here?
Let's just say you do the things the doctor recommends and...
we'll see what happens.
Let nature take its course.
You will be a great Mom.
And you'll be such a great Dad.
For a boy.
Or... a boy and a girl.
Come here.
Check this out.
Last night in bed, Audrey bit me.
I got that beaten.
Bruise on the gear shift knob of my rental car.
I think we have a winner!
Did that happen while you were driving Miss Daisy?
Yeah, a cat attacked me right in the middle.
Sounds great, man.
Actually, it helped.
The searing pain made me last longer.
She said I was the best she ever had.
Congratulations, I guess you closed the book on that one.
That's right, I now have 100% costumer satisfaction.
- Russell? - Hey.
Constance.
Constance Williams. I lived in the building you grew up in.
Yeah, I know.
You used to take care of my cat, Pickles.
Snuffles.
Well, I haven't seen you in 20 years.
Hold on. You do remember our little liaison we had, don't you?
Of course. On your 18th birthday.
You were so cute and so nervous and it was over so fast.
Son of a bitch.